Kids in the Hall. I'm

February 25, 2002

Kids in the Hall. I'm going on tour with the Kids in the Hall. Can you believe it? I don't think I have to keep it a secret anymore. Now that the Olympics are over the world's focus will land squarely on me. My exploits will become the most exciting "reality based" happening since "Survivor" or "Cops". You journal snoopers can live vicariously through me as I eat insects, drink cow's urine, scream curse words through a mouthful of my own blood while in handcuffs, and . . . try not to laugh in places where one shouldn't laugh in order to make the situation even funnier to an onlooker.
I always thought that was the weirdest part about comedy. The actors would do something really funny but it wouldn't crack them up. I imagined them to do some sort of G-force training or rituals of harsh physical denial (see Survivor). What was the training required to stop someone from laughing? Were some trained to think of something horribly tragic? Maybe there were variations on biting one's inner cheek so as to freeze your facial expression? Maybe they had a special gland removed (most all problems are glandular)? Or maybe...just maybe...they didn't think it was funny at all and we were all laughing at something that they really didn't think was funny. Perhaps comedians were far more serious and reserved people than I could ever be. Maybe they had strong glands.
Gland is such a goopy word to say. It sounds like what it is. Say it with me ten times, "gland, gland, gland, gland, gland, gland, gland, gland, gland, gland." Doesn't that make any word obsurd? It rubs its outer coat until the the meaning disolves into just plain rubbing. Repeat it ten times and its just a strange sound without a place to go. Bring your bulging laugh glands out to see the Kids in the Hall. I dare you to control yourself. Better start training now. Say the funny words ten times. maybe it will make them unfunny. maybe it will make them funnier. Boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner.