Back in my hotel room

March 26, 2002

Back in my hotel room wondering where I will find the time to learn all the things I want to be good at. How will I learn them before I have to be out in public demonstrating them. My mother used to say, “don’t worry about it Craig. You can only be as good as you are right now. You can’t be any better”. I know it was true but somehow it didn’t inspire confidence. If I already thought I was in trouble then this just confirmed it. I suppose it was meant to make me feel a sense of calm resignation. I always ended up barfing before the violin recitals. My nervousness worked to my advantage, however, as I was awarded a milkshake after these performances. Sometimes I trembled so much that I couldn’t even finish the piece. One big gaff and I’d try to start again. Quickly I would stumble again and then bail out.
In my adult life I chose boozy and raucous music perhaps as a tool of survival. It would make sense that I could have a few drinks before the performance. The other guys in the Odds cured me of this habit by making me play a gig every night with the Dawn Patrol until going on stage was as nerve-wracking as eating oatmeal. Soon I used the sedatives to ease the boredom on that gig. So did the other guys. Now I’m in a situation that’s completely new and I need all my wits about me. I also want to be able to play everything as well as Stevie Wonder might on any given night. I’m feeling quite exposed. At this stage of a veteran’s career it should just add a buzz of excitement. I guess week two will be the “buzz of excitement” week. I better call my mom and see if she has anything better to say.