Christina Aguilera is humping. She

October 05, 2002

Christina Aguilera is humping. She humps the air. She humps a girl in a Road Warrior bikini. She humps a greased stud in a wrestling mask. She is “Dirrty”. She can hump so hard she may even be humping herself. Her video is the uber version of Britney’s “Slave”. Instead of panties on the outside she wears panties pulled up her crack and some nice chaps. The casting may even be all the same people as Britney’s video. They may have even recycled the body grease. The song is a rip on something I spotted right away but escapes me right now. It seems “Shakiralera” would be a fitting supergroup. Embarrassing booty saleswomen using kindergarten fascist imagery and cartoon eroticism. Hair does not grow on the chests of any of these shirtless hunks. Boys are sexier than men? Will these constant waxings contribute to the evolution of the species as Hollywood attempts to force Darwin’s hand? Its a bald costume. If we get rid of the costumes will the actual sexuality scare the shit out of everybody? Maybe we are being protected from the true power of humanity because we are all afraid of what we actually are.
No costumes. Being alone for a long time can help dissolve your costume. There is nobody there to encourage you to fit in . . .to keep it pressed. You can forget about patching up holes and cloaking the imperfections. Here is where all things actually happen. The accumulation of scars and marks and stress fractures makes a common object something of its own beauty. If you want to go for being the most beautiful by fitting into the brand spanking new model you will always come up short. There will always be someone who has a cleaner version. I aspire to be what my guitar has become. I have an old 1958 Fender Esquire that is unquestionably one of the best guitars in the world to play. Everyone who picks it up says, “holy shit”. It is worn in like a tradesman’s hammer. The neck is the shape of the inside of your palm and the ends of your fingers. . .all over. It has been played by hundreds of people by now and has risen beyond inanimate object to almost oscillate on its own. It is worn, beaten, corroded, pealing, and low tech. Stylists and aestheticians find it ugly. Its only a “role player” when it comes to set dressing for a video. Here again civilization conspires to destroy the actual beauty it creates.
Things that are shaped by life are shunned. Brand new items can translate their power through low resolution mediums. Clichés and common thoughts don’t need high resolution transmission because your brain fills in the blanks. You’ve seen and heard it before so you only need the suggestion of the object to get all you need out of it. The minute cracks and signs of wear need time and care to understand. Its best to experience them first hand. Each communication might then be unique. Instead of drawing on the same components of your brain to fire out the same responses this would instead add to your bag of tricks. Each unique situation, therefore, compounds your own mojo. Beauty creates beauty. The low resolution world only drains your resources while actual contact fills your tank. This is the audiophiles lament. Digital versus analog. While your brain fills in the gaps in the sound you are taxed. Analog may be noisy but the noise is soothing.
There is a vernacular to rock video acting. It is built around the idea that it is possible to deny that this is not real. Can truth and intensity be communicated while lip synching? No. Never. There are some who never acknowledge this fact as the form keeps limping along. You are faking. Deal with it. There are rockers who design their every move around the idea that people are watching them. They move into the video genre effortlessly. Their onstage “emoting” works just fine. When they stare into the camera with their wounded sensitivity and Details Mag grooming you feel nothing. I am taxed. My brain is trying to bridge the gap between the bad acting and what they want me to feel. The side effect is nausea. The cracks and scars in their appearance only appear if they are conscious affectations. Designer “pre-stressed” clothing. The messy hair look with its messy hair products. The real stresses are hidden under makeup. The one element that you find to be “out of style” is the only window into the soul. If the budget is high enough there are no elements “out of style”. The more money the less it resonates. The more humping the less sexy it becomes. Soon schoolgirls will be showing up to school in their underwear and humping the air as they head down the flourescently lit, locker lined corridors to Algebra 101 with Mr. Sanders. No one will bat an eye. The boys will be shirtless, shaved, greased down and bored. The girls will air hump the greased up boys and the boys will sigh. The custodian will be the sexiest man around.