Office Party. Oxymoron? As a

December 20, 2002

Office Party. Oxymoron? As a continuation of the last posting it is interesting to note that the holiday season is at its most politically complex when slicing a sociological cross section from the “office party”. If the human elements of compassion, honesty, and charity are wrung from the business world then forced fraternization with clients and work mates becomes more interesting. I’m not suggesting that this is true in all cases but it is true in a lot of cases. From one angle the partier is operating under the notion that there may be benefits to a Christmas shmooze. Henderson might surrender that fat contract if he is plied with eggnog and complimented on his golf swing. “Networking” is up there with “morale boosting” in the christmas party top two. For the employer the “morale boosting” component works two ways. They come off looking like “friends” who are doing their bit for “the family” and the staff get drunk with each other which is a big part of “team building”. Confidences are built and betrayed. Asses are photocopied. Shoes go missing. Someone has a co-worker in a headlock bawling “I love you man” and “this is for your own good Randy”. The overlords dispense jovial toilet humour. This is “team building”. Once you have shared real human secrets it is possible to be blackmailed. This increases forward momentum because dissent is more dangerous. The bosses observe, gather secrets and get in and out quickly. The proportion of actual Christmas spirit involved in the throwing of a Christmas party can be measured by the number of significant firings perpetrated after, or just prior to, the holiday season. This is a wholly cynical perspective that has only its toe in the murky waters of the truth but . . . it was born from the musician’s perspective of a “corporate gig”.
I’ve been to many a staff christmas party that was a genuine bonding experience and a real barn burner to boot. I have seen genuinely great employers heap gratitude on their employes with these functions. I’m not talking about those people or those situations. Choreographed corporate functions are different. Organized “fun”. Office party. The Odds never got hired for corporate gigs. These are the big money makers that can make a tour actually pay off. I don’t know how many people know this but most bands lose large amounts of money on the road when they are trying to build a career. Once they are “branded” and their names have reached the kitchens of the continent then corporations come clamouring to rub themselves up against their cool caché. They pay big money to have name artists play at their private, oftentimes secret functions. Lets face it. The Odds were a bunch of wise asses who would treat this type of situation with very little legislated decorum. Our music was not appropriate (at the time) and we said no to most all offers of corporate sponsorship. That was fashionable then. Except the time we went to Europe and did six gigs that were sponsored by a cigarette company. Not so bad when you considered everyone in the audience smoked and the band didn’t. We went looking for a corporate sponsor that would actually do some good. AIDS had become a wider threat and started claiming the lives of those around us so we asked our lawyer to approach Trojan condoms about the idea of sponsoring a rock band. I think I still have the letter saying that it would be inappropriate for a condom manufacturer to target youth at this point and that sponsoring rock bands was not something they felt ready for. Bad timing was an Odds forté. I think you could get a free condom in Spin magazine the next year and my friends Wide Mouth Mason have actually toured in a bus decorated to approximate a giant Durex sheath. The cigarette and beer industry eventually swallowed all the promoters in the world and bands had no choice but to drink up or die. Smoke’em if you got’em. Now you’re nobody unless you actually appear in the TV ads playing yourself singing a jingle you wrote especially for beer, clothes or soda pop. How stupid could we be? Our manager once scrawled NO! in giant Sharpied letters across a proposal from a huge beer giant to use one of our songs in a TV campaign. A month after he’d faxed it back to them they came out with a beer that used the name of the song as its handle. We were throwbacks to a generation that never existed. All ethical corporations please come forward and claim your spokesmodel/singer/songwriter. Come and take me.
Our alter ego the Dawn Patrol would play lavish office parties before they were called corporate gigs and I’ve played the odd one in more recent situations. They are the hardest thing to play because none of the audience has chosen for you to be there. If you go to hear your favourite band then you arrive with sparkling enthusiasm. Not so in these situations. The guy watching might be the guy who has made hating your band his favourite sport. One woman might be the person who has decided to skip all music by people in your “category”. I’m even convinced that some of the people have chosen not to have stereos at home. They are there by the grace of their obligations to increase the profit share. I haven’t done one of these functions where at least one person hasn’t been standing in full view of the stage scowling with fingers plunged deeply into their ear holes. Indifference or polite toe tapping on beats 1 & 3 are the norm. The Stones and Bob Dylan do these things on a regular basis. I believe the Stones recently played someone’s birthday party and Microsoft can have anyone they want at anytime. I guess a gig is a gig and a million dollars is a million dollars. Can you imagine what would be going through Bob Dylan’s mind at the time he was onstage? He could change all the lyrics and melodies and nobody would even notice. Wait . . .he does that anyway.
The great Vancouver session singer Joani Bye (Del Shannon, INXS, Cher, David Bowie, etc) was over yesterday to sing on the Bob Kemmis record we’re making. She was describing her most recent experience at a corporate Christmas caroling gig. She said, “It was the usual bunch of people doing their best to pretend you weren’t there”. We started talking about how it seemed that some folks were completely freaked out by people actually singing and smiling in a place where business usually takes place. Terrifying. The human element is out of its element. Perverse logic must be applied. Is this akin to earnest 4H Club members raising their little calves? They name them, groom them, nurture them and talk to them. After they win a ribbon for their animal husbandry the cow is taken away for a quick murdering and cut up into little bits for its flesh to be burned and eaten by strangers, friends or family. This is supposed to make perfect sense as humans are toughened up for those rocky “real life” experiences ahead. I know this is natural but it seems so unnatural. Writing, recording and performing the songs that come from your deep inner well is the raising of the downy soft calf. The corporate gig is the bar-b-q. The vegetarians are either outnumbered or give in and take a bite when the other vegetarians aren’t looking. We all have to eat. There is always a radio on in the workplace.