My dog came to the

April 13, 2003

My dog came to the family on Christmas day. He died 14 years later on good Friday. My cat Nigel was born on Christmas eve. He seems immortal. Nothing can kill him. Pet messiahs. This reminds me of the story of the easter bunny. This was a long time ago -- before the baby Jesus and all the media that sprung up around him. While the killer rabbit guarded the cave of Cyre Bannoch his brother the good and powerful rabbit started to spread the word of Dog. Dog was the almighty power that made the rabbits in his image. Actually he tried to make them in his image but they ended up looking like rabbits because he had no opposable thumbs to properly hold the magic wand. Dog was, in fact, more dog like.
Since rabbits don’t make a sound (unless they are being killed) the good and glowing rabbit had to find new ways to spread the word of his higher calling. He knew he had been born with gifts. He believed himself to be the son of Dog (he accused his brother of being adopted which didn’t go over too well). His brother bit him so the good bunny left home after saying a quick goodbye to his surrogate father Tim the Enchanter.
He gathered the great unwashed bunnies in their warrens and started by turning water into wine. Rabbits need water more than they need wine and many bunnies wandered recklessly into the mouths of lucky predators while others complained that the water had been wasted. One wise bunny asked the good bunny if he could turn all the puked up carrots into something useful. He suggested they patch the cracks in their shitty little hovel with it and they kicked the good bunny’s ass out the back entrance. He moved on resolutely to the next warren.
The next warren was nearer the river so the good bunny demonstrated his ability to walk across the water. Unfortunately others followed and fishermen downstream were puzzled but happy at their windfall. Once again the bunny was in hot water. His miracles came with too much collateral damage. Soon the bunny world had had enough and he had to move into the chicken coop down at the Yester’s farm. Old farmer Yester was as blind as a referee and didn’t really notice. The good bunny had no idea farmer Yester was blind and decided to impress him with his next miracle. Passing a coloured egg each day. This made the bunny sore but he figured when news of the magic egg laying bunny who lived with chickens made its way through the community his position as a saviour would be secure. Yester never noticed. I remind you he was blind. When the pastel coloured eggs went to spring market the patrons soon took notice. Children were delighted by Yester’s novel idea and soon demand grew. The poor bunny’s miracle uterus could barely keep up and just as the business was about to boom Yester’s bum ticker gave way as he tried too hard to crack a lawn bowling ball he had mistaken for an egg.
When the priest came out to put pennies on Yester’s eyes ( and collect lots of money from his widow ) he happened to wander past the chicken coop and noticed the poor bunny squeezing out an oversized mauve egg. He quietly plucked him up by his ears and took him home. The bunny figured he could quit with the egg business and try a new miracle on the priest now that he was free of the farm. In his estimation the egg business had killed the farmer and he needed a new strategy. He decided to speak in plain English to the priest on one quiet night. How was he to know that any priest would surmise a talking animal to be one of the devil’s minions? His head was in a basket before you could say “your God must have heard of the SPCA”. The priest stuffed him in the fridge and would have eaten him the next day if he didn’t rise up to animal heaven that night. So began the story of the Yester bunny whose ghost lays eggs in your house at easter time to prove that he and Santa are still the only ones who really work miracles. They can’t stop killing or war but they can make children happy for two days a year. He is also making up for all the "presents" left around the house by the poorly trained dogs that seem to be confused on how to go about their missionary work.