Micro con artist. Penny ante

January 31, 2004

Micro con artist. Penny ante grifter. The gray zone is coated with grease. Project a sense of entitlement when presenting upgrade certificates to the ticket attendant. The rules can change at any moment and there is at least a 60% chance that they are invalid for this flight. The airline world is liquid. Greed and status play a big role in how things go from the check-in kiosk in one city to the baggage carousel in the next. Experience is a plus. I have figured out the secret power structure. The airline concierge is a position created for those who ride this gray area to the wider seat and the free booze. All you need are a few full fare tickets bought each year. The carrot is dangled under the nose of the buyer. If someone is willing to pay $3000 to get to Toronto on short notice then there is a chance this will happen again. If their luggage is 50 lb. overweight then that is the price the airline must pay. It must not feel like “the mark” is paying a price.
Try to travel with the people labeled as “marks”. Just when you thought you might miss your flight, or receive the seat that doesn’t recline and smells of old diesel melding with the lavatory waft from right behind, a magical man or woman in some sort of cravat and blazer steps forward with a walkie talkie and says, “Its OK Carol. I’ll take care of this”. Follow the magician to the inner sanctum of the executive lounge and wait for all things to get better. This is one of your 5 lucky days allotted for the year. In 200 hundred days of travel you are allowed 5 “get out of jail cards” . The secret concierge overlords enter your 5 chits into the separate concierge closed circuit system. When traveling with a legitimate “mark” (a prestigious flyer with dozens of full business class fares a year) you are flagged for H.S. or “honoured sidekick” status. At that point the concierge overlords bank 5 chits in your account. The desk staff have a nickname for you -- “extra baggage”. They are watching to see how many cheese slices. melba toast packs or cappuccinos you consume and tallying it up in their collateral damage register. Extra baggage always consumes more free goods. If a musician is in the lounge on an “HS waiver” then they keep a separate roster for booze. They try to limit musician’s times in the lounge to the breakfast hour to cut their losses but sometimes even this does not guarantee that a sizable quantity of spirits will not disappear in short order. Every few years I enter the pantheon of “the mark”. This is a glorious time. It almost makes you want to arrive early to the airport. This places me in the “HS” category with an “alumni floating bonus” or “AFB”. First name basis procedures are enacted with the concierge under the knowledge that my “HS” status may be upgraded in short order. In real life I ride the rails with everybody else so when the perks come my way I can rest easily in the well padded guilty chair. Believe me when I say I have taken enough hair raising and horrible flights and paid enough money to warrant my 5 chits. I’m milking one right now. I am projecting a sense of entitlement.